Thursday, August 1, 2013

27 down and counting 8-1

I have lost a total of 27 pounds now.  I have past the dreaded 25 mark.  On to the 30 mark.  Only 3 pounds away from that!  I went and had my monthly protime blood test at the doctors.  I decided to get weighed and see where I was at.  I am so glad to be on the downside of the scale as opposed to the upside of the scale.

I have been working on portions.  One of my downfalls is restaurants.  Today I went to Olive Garden with my friend, Wendy.  We had a really good time.  We chatted and caught up on how everyone was doing.  We each had a salad.  I really like Olive Garden's salad.  I ate 1/2 of my dinner and saved the rest for lunch tomorrow.  Usually, I would eat the whole thing but today i didn't.  I did, however, split a piece of cheesecake with Wendy.  I don't usually get dessert but it came with our meal.

I have also given up muffins from Tim Horton's.  I was so appalled that I only lost 2 pounds last time that I decided I didn't want them anymore and I haven't had any since.  Since that was only about 2 weeks ago, I am not sure if that had anything to do with the newest weight lose or not but I have lost my desire to eat them.

I have notice that lately I have lost the desire to eat a lot of things I used to.  I don't want to eat the sweets that I used to.  I am not sure if it because I am finally to the point where I am tired of gaining weight or just that the sweets do not taste as good as they used to.  I don't know.  I am not questioning it too much though because whatever it is, I am not interested in eating the junk food so I am not.


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

2 more pounds lost!

I lost 2 more pounds!  This brings me to the new grand total to 24 pounds!  I am happy about it but I still wish it was more.  I suppose it could have been 25 pounds and I still would have wanted it to be more.  It is just the way I am when it comes to weight loss.

I am started taking magnesium this afternoon but I don't feel so good now.  It upset my stomach a lot so I am not having too much for dinner.  I am not going to take the magnesium tomorrow.  I probably should have had it with dinner instead of lunch, but it is too late now.

I have always had a weird relationship with food.  I also have always have had an issue with digesting my food.  From the time I was born, I have had stomach issues.  Mom used to always say that she didn't think my stomach digested properly.  Turns out she was right.  I was 40 when the doctors discovered that.  Now I take reglan to digest my food.  When I was around 9 or 10, I realized that I weighed more than my friends.  I ate the same food that my mom and my brothers ate, yet I could gain weight by looking at it.  We now know why but we didn't then.  Much has been done to try to get me to lose weight.  Starting from when I was about 10 or 11, I got weighed every week.  I dreaded it.  I really did.  It would start with the disappointment in mom's voice on how I gained another pound or 1/2 a pounds and escalated into being grounded for losing weight.  When I was 14, I went to the doctor and the doctor put me on a 400 calories a day diet.  yes, 400, not 1200 or any other number it was 400.  It is extremely difficult to eat only 400 calories.  I was in 9th grade at the time and we were not getting along, not one bit.  It seemed that everything I did was wrong and nothing I did was right or good enough.  I now know many of the things mom did were out of fear of me going and doing drugs like my brothers, but at this time I didn't know that and it was heart breaking.  At one point, I honestly thought she didn't like me at all.  Well, there really is only one way to stay within 400 calories a day and that is to simply stop eating or throw up your food.  Now, I despise throwing up, but throwing up I did because I didn't want to gain weight and be in trouble again.  It wasn't enough that I had terrible times at school with things and life at home with 2 drug addicts were hard, let's add getting in trouble for how much you weigh.  That began a journey into Bulimia.  Bulimia is a very scary thing because you can look perfectly normal and still be super sick.  In a way, it is like fibro with how you can look perfectly normal and be super sick but I digress.  I would drink a 1/2 pint of milk for lunch and that was it.  That was after skipping breakfast because well, that would be food and food is bad.  I was not taught that food is fuel and you need it to survive.  No, I learned that food was bad and evil.  I eventually had to stop throwing up my food because one day I was also throwing up blood.  Well, that was my throat having an issue with the acid.  I never threw up on purpose again that day.  I just stopped eating.  If I ate too much, I would take laxatives to make it go out the other way.  I was also dancing 6 to 8 hours 6 days a week and going to Wayne State University at that point.  I was still the biggest dancer and no matter what I did, I would bounce up and down all over the place.  It was awful.  If I ate a sweet, I would get yelled at by my mother on how that was bad for me.  If I didn't eat, I got yelled at on how you have to have something.  It just didn't matter.  Food and I were at a war.  This is why, this time, I am not weighing myself daily or even weekly.  I will not have weekly updates on how much I have lost.  I can't.  I just can't go down that road again.  I have enough issues that to add another would just be insane!  I don't want to play the head games that I know I can easily jump into.

Yes, when I was older my mother apologized for all she did about my weight.  It didn't erase the memory but it did help some of the pain.  I still have some but most of it is gone.  To say she did her best, well, I know she did, but wow, she went crazy over my weight.  She wouldn't let me get certain clothes because "big people don't wear them".  Wow, if I weighed now what I weighed then, I would be thrilled.  I wasn't that overweight.  yes, I was overweight, but not to the extent she made it out to be. I am now.  That is true.  I am severely overweight.  I have to do something or I will die from it.  I have started by refusing to take medicine that causes weight gain.  I think 105 pounds of weight gain from medicine far outweighs the positive effects of the medicine.  Yes, Lyrica helped with the pain until I gained so much weight nothing helped.  Yes, Amitryptilin helped a bit but I gained an extra 25 pounds on it on top of what I already weighed!  So no, I will NOT take medicine that has a side effect of weight gain.  I just won't anymore.  I will find another way to deal with the pain.  I have to.  This weight is killing me faster than any other illness that I have will, including those lovely clear cells (cancer cells) on my right kidney.  So I am done.

I am happy that I have lost 24 pounds.  My next weigh in won't be until next month or maybe September.  i don't know which and I don't care.  I have noticed a bit from my clothing about the weight loss.  I am working really hard to eat healthy and have good portions.  I do hope that when I am done some more that I will be able to start doing a bit of exercise again, something simple, like walking.  Maisy likes to walk so I would take her.  Calli likes to go for a walk too so maybe she would like to go.  I don't know, we shall see.  I have some resistant bands that I can use when my left shoulder behaves a bit better.  The bursitis is being a bit annoying so I will get them out when it heals up a bit.  When I am a down a bit more, I do remember some of the easier exercises that I can do here at home.  I also have some exercise DVDs that I plan to add in.  Right now, it would be too much.  I have tried and it triggers my asthma so I can't add them in yet but I will.

I am really trying to look at food as fuel and not as something to go to war over with myself.  I don't want to play those head games again.  they are just not productive and I have worked to hard on myself to go back into that dark place again.


Monday, July 15, 2013

Monday 7-15

We grilled the steak today!!!!  Yes and we didn't burn it!  Yes, Brandon and I managed to use the Foreman grill to grill our steaks and they turned out perfect.  I was very pleased.  We also had asparagus (which I was so glad we didn't have to share with more than 2) and rice that we had cooked yesterday.  We made enough so we don't have to make anymore for a couple of days with just the two of us.

I was so frustrated earlier this evening.  I resigned up with netflix ready to watch an episode of a BBC series that I wanted to see.  First, well, I don't have the right Mac computer.  Yup, mine is too old.  Then I remember, ooh, I can watch them on my nook!  I was set only to find out that that series is no longer available for instant streaming.  I could just scream.  Now I am watching Rizzoli and Isles.  I do love that show so it is good that I am not done watching disc 2 season 3.  Thankfully!

Tomorrow I will find out if I have lost anymore weight because I have a doctor's appointment.  I decided that to avoid head games with the scale, I will only get weighed at the doctors.  I just know that I can go down that road so easily that I have to do what I can avoid it.  I have started to notice that I have lost some weight.  Because I wear skirts and dresses all the time instead of shorts or pants, it is harder to notice the weight lose, but I have started to notice a bit of a difference.  I just hope that more weight loss will make a bigger difference soon.  I have to get some clothes for fall but I won't get them until fall because I don't know what weight I will be at in the fall.

I am hoping to make a couple of skirts for fall in the fall with Lydia.  She really likes sewing so to sew with her or with Star would be a lot of fun.  I have some nice wool fabrics that will make good skirts for the winter.  It does get rather cold here.  I do need new little boots though because I don't have any that fit quite right.  I will see though because as I lose weight, my feet will lose weight in my feet too.


Sunday, July 14, 2013

Sunday 7-14

We had pizza again tonight.  I am doing well with that though because I can eat 2 pieces and be satisfied.  The only reason we had it was because they are left overs from last night.  We don't have it very often.  Yesterday was such a busy day that we had pizza instead of making dinner.  Most nights either Brandon, Heather B-T, or Bill cooks dinner.  I don't cook very often but sometimes I make a salad or something.

Since it has been a year since I have written in the blog, there have been major changes in the house.  First of all, my friends, Heather B-T and Bill, their 2 children along with with their 2 dogs have moved in.  It just made more sense for all of us to combine the households.  It really helps all of us.  It helped them and it helped me.  Their children, Acer and Calli are 8 and 13 and are wonderful children.  Right now, their nephew, Brandon is also living here for the summer.  He goes to Wayne State University and is on summer break.  Their dogs are Q and Maisy.  Q is Calli's guide dog.  While the question is still up in the air of whether or not Acer will get a guide dog, Calli is doing very well with Q.  He is a really nice dog and when he is not working, he is very playful.  He is 2 years old now.  Maisy is a handful.  She is 6 and a Brussels Griffon.  I love that little dog.  We are trying to teach her not to pee in the house as she does still do that.  She also sometimes poops in the house.  She is learning that she has to be invited in order to come up on our beds or the couch.  Maisy can no longer just jump up whenever she feels like it.  I think Maisy is doing better.  I never understood how people become so attached to their animals, but boy do I now!  I am very, very, very attached to Maisy!  I knew how sweet and wonderful dogs or pets in general could be, I just didn't know about the deep attachment that you can have.  Well, I have it.  Q is a good dog too but he spends most of his time with Calli as he is HER guide dog.  Next year she will be walking to school with him.  With him, she is very independent.

Well, this week will be interesting for food as Brandon and I are in charge of our meals.  Everyone else is gone for the next few days.  Tomorrow we are having rice, asparagus, and steak.  I know one night we will have some bousa (I don't know how to spell it), rice, and veggies, and another we will go to chipotle's since we both really like that food a lot.  I don't expect to go crazy over food with everyone gone because I can eat whatever I want whenever I want so there is no reason to go crazy.  I am doing really well with portions.  I eat my meal and then drink a glass of milk.  I wait a few minutes to see if I am hungry and want a bit more.  Mostly, I don't get seconds, but occasionally I do.  I am pretty happy about eating proper portions now.  If I go out to eat, I cut the plate in half and then eat 1/2 before I see if I want more.  I also am drinking more milk these days.  I have a glass every night at dinner.  This helps with curbing hungry.  I no longer take the medicine that made me gain weight.  The medicine I take now for headaches actually has the side effect of weight loss and less appetite.  I don't mind those kind of side effects.  I am not sure if it the side effects or if it a mixture of both the side effects and my eating properly and watching my portions.  I don't know and right now, I don't really care.  I have lost weight and on Tuesday, I will find out if I have lost more or gained any.

Friday, July 12, 2013

We're Back!!!!! 7-12-2013

Yes, it has almost been a year since I wrote in this!!!

I am no longer on the Amitryptiline which had me gain weight.  I gained all I lost and then some.  So, once again I am starting all over.  My highest ever weight was 305 and that was what I was in April when I saw the arthritis doctor.  I saw the tummy doctor last month and I was down to 283!  I will see the tummy doctor on Tuesday so I will know how much more I am down.  I am not going to ignore this blog any more so look for updates!

i am so glad that the weight is finally going the right direction!!!!