I lost 2 more pounds! This brings me to the new grand total to 24 pounds! I am happy about it but I still wish it was more. I suppose it could have been 25 pounds and I still would have wanted it to be more. It is just the way I am when it comes to weight loss.
I am started taking magnesium this afternoon but I don't feel so good now. It upset my stomach a lot so I am not having too much for dinner. I am not going to take the magnesium tomorrow. I probably should have had it with dinner instead of lunch, but it is too late now.
I have always had a weird relationship with food. I also have always have had an issue with digesting my food. From the time I was born, I have had stomach issues. Mom used to always say that she didn't think my stomach digested properly. Turns out she was right. I was 40 when the doctors discovered that. Now I take reglan to digest my food. When I was around 9 or 10, I realized that I weighed more than my friends. I ate the same food that my mom and my brothers ate, yet I could gain weight by looking at it. We now know why but we didn't then. Much has been done to try to get me to lose weight. Starting from when I was about 10 or 11, I got weighed every week. I dreaded it. I really did. It would start with the disappointment in mom's voice on how I gained another pound or 1/2 a pounds and escalated into being grounded for losing weight. When I was 14, I went to the doctor and the doctor put me on a 400 calories a day diet. yes, 400, not 1200 or any other number it was 400. It is extremely difficult to eat only 400 calories. I was in 9th grade at the time and we were not getting along, not one bit. It seemed that everything I did was wrong and nothing I did was right or good enough. I now know many of the things mom did were out of fear of me going and doing drugs like my brothers, but at this time I didn't know that and it was heart breaking. At one point, I honestly thought she didn't like me at all. Well, there really is only one way to stay within 400 calories a day and that is to simply stop eating or throw up your food. Now, I despise throwing up, but throwing up I did because I didn't want to gain weight and be in trouble again. It wasn't enough that I had terrible times at school with things and life at home with 2 drug addicts were hard, let's add getting in trouble for how much you weigh. That began a journey into Bulimia. Bulimia is a very scary thing because you can look perfectly normal and still be super sick. In a way, it is like fibro with how you can look perfectly normal and be super sick but I digress. I would drink a 1/2 pint of milk for lunch and that was it. That was after skipping breakfast because well, that would be food and food is bad. I was not taught that food is fuel and you need it to survive. No, I learned that food was bad and evil. I eventually had to stop throwing up my food because one day I was also throwing up blood. Well, that was my throat having an issue with the acid. I never threw up on purpose again that day. I just stopped eating. If I ate too much, I would take laxatives to make it go out the other way. I was also dancing 6 to 8 hours 6 days a week and going to Wayne State University at that point. I was still the biggest dancer and no matter what I did, I would bounce up and down all over the place. It was awful. If I ate a sweet, I would get yelled at by my mother on how that was bad for me. If I didn't eat, I got yelled at on how you have to have something. It just didn't matter. Food and I were at a war. This is why, this time, I am not weighing myself daily or even weekly. I will not have weekly updates on how much I have lost. I can't. I just can't go down that road again. I have enough issues that to add another would just be insane! I don't want to play the head games that I know I can easily jump into.
Yes, when I was older my mother apologized for all she did about my weight. It didn't erase the memory but it did help some of the pain. I still have some but most of it is gone. To say she did her best, well, I know she did, but wow, she went crazy over my weight. She wouldn't let me get certain clothes because "big people don't wear them". Wow, if I weighed now what I weighed then, I would be thrilled. I wasn't that overweight. yes, I was overweight, but not to the extent she made it out to be. I am now. That is true. I am severely overweight. I have to do something or I will die from it. I have started by refusing to take medicine that causes weight gain. I think 105 pounds of weight gain from medicine far outweighs the positive effects of the medicine. Yes, Lyrica helped with the pain until I gained so much weight nothing helped. Yes, Amitryptilin helped a bit but I gained an extra 25 pounds on it on top of what I already weighed! So no, I will NOT take medicine that has a side effect of weight gain. I just won't anymore. I will find another way to deal with the pain. I have to. This weight is killing me faster than any other illness that I have will, including those lovely clear cells (cancer cells) on my right kidney. So I am done.
I am happy that I have lost 24 pounds. My next weigh in won't be until next month or maybe September. i don't know which and I don't care. I have noticed a bit from my clothing about the weight loss. I am working really hard to eat healthy and have good portions. I do hope that when I am done some more that I will be able to start doing a bit of exercise again, something simple, like walking. Maisy likes to walk so I would take her. Calli likes to go for a walk too so maybe she would like to go. I don't know, we shall see. I have some resistant bands that I can use when my left shoulder behaves a bit better. The bursitis is being a bit annoying so I will get them out when it heals up a bit. When I am a down a bit more, I do remember some of the easier exercises that I can do here at home. I also have some exercise DVDs that I plan to add in. Right now, it would be too much. I have tried and it triggers my asthma so I can't add them in yet but I will.
I am really trying to look at food as fuel and not as something to go to war over with myself. I don't want to play those head games again. they are just not productive and I have worked to hard on myself to go back into that dark place again.