Tuesday, July 23, 2013

2 more pounds lost!

I lost 2 more pounds!  This brings me to the new grand total to 24 pounds!  I am happy about it but I still wish it was more.  I suppose it could have been 25 pounds and I still would have wanted it to be more.  It is just the way I am when it comes to weight loss.

I am started taking magnesium this afternoon but I don't feel so good now.  It upset my stomach a lot so I am not having too much for dinner.  I am not going to take the magnesium tomorrow.  I probably should have had it with dinner instead of lunch, but it is too late now.

I have always had a weird relationship with food.  I also have always have had an issue with digesting my food.  From the time I was born, I have had stomach issues.  Mom used to always say that she didn't think my stomach digested properly.  Turns out she was right.  I was 40 when the doctors discovered that.  Now I take reglan to digest my food.  When I was around 9 or 10, I realized that I weighed more than my friends.  I ate the same food that my mom and my brothers ate, yet I could gain weight by looking at it.  We now know why but we didn't then.  Much has been done to try to get me to lose weight.  Starting from when I was about 10 or 11, I got weighed every week.  I dreaded it.  I really did.  It would start with the disappointment in mom's voice on how I gained another pound or 1/2 a pounds and escalated into being grounded for losing weight.  When I was 14, I went to the doctor and the doctor put me on a 400 calories a day diet.  yes, 400, not 1200 or any other number it was 400.  It is extremely difficult to eat only 400 calories.  I was in 9th grade at the time and we were not getting along, not one bit.  It seemed that everything I did was wrong and nothing I did was right or good enough.  I now know many of the things mom did were out of fear of me going and doing drugs like my brothers, but at this time I didn't know that and it was heart breaking.  At one point, I honestly thought she didn't like me at all.  Well, there really is only one way to stay within 400 calories a day and that is to simply stop eating or throw up your food.  Now, I despise throwing up, but throwing up I did because I didn't want to gain weight and be in trouble again.  It wasn't enough that I had terrible times at school with things and life at home with 2 drug addicts were hard, let's add getting in trouble for how much you weigh.  That began a journey into Bulimia.  Bulimia is a very scary thing because you can look perfectly normal and still be super sick.  In a way, it is like fibro with how you can look perfectly normal and be super sick but I digress.  I would drink a 1/2 pint of milk for lunch and that was it.  That was after skipping breakfast because well, that would be food and food is bad.  I was not taught that food is fuel and you need it to survive.  No, I learned that food was bad and evil.  I eventually had to stop throwing up my food because one day I was also throwing up blood.  Well, that was my throat having an issue with the acid.  I never threw up on purpose again that day.  I just stopped eating.  If I ate too much, I would take laxatives to make it go out the other way.  I was also dancing 6 to 8 hours 6 days a week and going to Wayne State University at that point.  I was still the biggest dancer and no matter what I did, I would bounce up and down all over the place.  It was awful.  If I ate a sweet, I would get yelled at by my mother on how that was bad for me.  If I didn't eat, I got yelled at on how you have to have something.  It just didn't matter.  Food and I were at a war.  This is why, this time, I am not weighing myself daily or even weekly.  I will not have weekly updates on how much I have lost.  I can't.  I just can't go down that road again.  I have enough issues that to add another would just be insane!  I don't want to play the head games that I know I can easily jump into.

Yes, when I was older my mother apologized for all she did about my weight.  It didn't erase the memory but it did help some of the pain.  I still have some but most of it is gone.  To say she did her best, well, I know she did, but wow, she went crazy over my weight.  She wouldn't let me get certain clothes because "big people don't wear them".  Wow, if I weighed now what I weighed then, I would be thrilled.  I wasn't that overweight.  yes, I was overweight, but not to the extent she made it out to be. I am now.  That is true.  I am severely overweight.  I have to do something or I will die from it.  I have started by refusing to take medicine that causes weight gain.  I think 105 pounds of weight gain from medicine far outweighs the positive effects of the medicine.  Yes, Lyrica helped with the pain until I gained so much weight nothing helped.  Yes, Amitryptilin helped a bit but I gained an extra 25 pounds on it on top of what I already weighed!  So no, I will NOT take medicine that has a side effect of weight gain.  I just won't anymore.  I will find another way to deal with the pain.  I have to.  This weight is killing me faster than any other illness that I have will, including those lovely clear cells (cancer cells) on my right kidney.  So I am done.

I am happy that I have lost 24 pounds.  My next weigh in won't be until next month or maybe September.  i don't know which and I don't care.  I have noticed a bit from my clothing about the weight loss.  I am working really hard to eat healthy and have good portions.  I do hope that when I am done some more that I will be able to start doing a bit of exercise again, something simple, like walking.  Maisy likes to walk so I would take her.  Calli likes to go for a walk too so maybe she would like to go.  I don't know, we shall see.  I have some resistant bands that I can use when my left shoulder behaves a bit better.  The bursitis is being a bit annoying so I will get them out when it heals up a bit.  When I am a down a bit more, I do remember some of the easier exercises that I can do here at home.  I also have some exercise DVDs that I plan to add in.  Right now, it would be too much.  I have tried and it triggers my asthma so I can't add them in yet but I will.

I am really trying to look at food as fuel and not as something to go to war over with myself.  I don't want to play those head games again.  they are just not productive and I have worked to hard on myself to go back into that dark place again.


No comments:

Post a Comment